To me, the greatest thing about putting myself out there was always the possibility of finding a friend I would mesh well with. Someone I could open up to without the fear of being judged and making them feel comfortable enough to do the same.
Someone that you could spend hours on the phone with talking about any and everything, someone that reminds you how much of a bad bitch you are even when you look and feel terrible, and someone that you’d be willing to share your last slice of bread with (currently hungry so yes, food is on my mind). If you’re reading this, I’m sure you have someone like this in your life and you know deep down how much you appreciate their presence in your life.
I’ve come to a point in my life where I hate talking about myself because it’s always something sad. I’d rather not think, talk or write about it at all but have you ever seen something on social media that absolutely rattles you to your core? Everything becomes blurry and you can’t even concentrate cause you swear thats you? Ok. Got you like “whewwwww if i start talking”? Ok.
My sister from another has a radio talkshow on Sundays called Hearsay and on the last show, they discussed the dilemma of a young woman worried about losing her friends due to the fact that her anxiety prevents her from going out to parties/raves and having a good time. She went on to talk about how they even planned a holiday and didn’t bother inviting her. Now, you and I both know thats not what friendship is especially when a person is well aware that their friend suffers from anxiety. I can imagine the hurt and loneliness she has been feeling along with the difficulty of anxiety.
Anyway, it made me think. It made me think about heartbreak and much it really hurts when you feel the friend you love drift away from you or just disappear altogether without so much as a warning or reason why. Usually, when we talk about heartbreak we almost always think of intimate relationships we share with the people we date and eventually fall in love with. It never crosses anybody’s mind that friends can break your heart too.
Sometimes, you don’t get to choose who you fall in love with. “Theres just something about him” and “she just makes me so happy”… right? Sometimes you don’t even get why it is you’ve fallen so hopelessly in love with this person but when it comes to making friends, its nothing like that. You consciously choose your friends. Your mutual likes, dislikes, music, food (again, I’m starving) and hobbies. YOU decide that you and this person gel together and you will get on well. Well enough to tell them the things you normally wouldn’t say out loud.
If you’ve ever read my other posts, its no secret that I’ve had issues with depression and anxiety. Earlier this year, I felt brave enough to finally open up to somebody I’ve known since I was in school about my mental health. Like all friendships, it was never 100% smooth sailing. We fought, kissed and made up a million and one times but we always ended up in a good place. I thought she was, and still do think she is amazing but maybe not the kind of amazing for me. Let me explain.
There was a day she came round to my house and she invited me somewhere and after going back and forth with myself in my head about telling her, I finally blurted out everything – being depressed, anxious and not wanting to live much longer. I went on to explain that when I don’t come to the places she invites me to, it isn’t because I don’t want to spend time with her or that I don’t value the friendship, its because my anxiety won’t let me. It’s great when you’re making plans and you’re excited about your outfit. You’re even excited when you’re getting dressed and beating your face for the gawds.
Guys… don’t you feel like Usher in the U Don’t Have to Call video when you’re getting ready to go out?
Before I get carried away, like I was saying, you feel great until you actually get there. You see all those people and begin to feel extremely uneasy. Suddenly, maybe staying in bed and rewatching Family Guy for the trillionth time wasn’t too bad an idea.
To my surprise, she said she knows exactly how I feel and that she felt the same way. It felt so nice that somebody actually got it and understood and I appreciated it. It made me realise no matter what you’re going through, theres always somebody out there that feels exactly the same way and it made me always want to make sure she was doing okay.
Two months ago, she had an event that she invited me to. I was excited to go cause I’m always about supporting my people. Even got a ticket. Unfortunately though, thats when my anxiety kicked in. All that was going through my head was how many people were going to be there and what they were like and if I would do something stupid. At this point I think you’ve put it together that I am the type of person that stands closer to the walls than in the centre of a room. I haven’t heard from her since and what’s even more hurtful is that I haven’t heard from the other girls that are part of our group either. Safe to say I got dropped out by everybody then?
Although I didn’t decide to not attend out of malice, I began to stop caring about the friendship dissolving when I was talking to a friend and he mentioned that she never actually cared about the things I was doing in my life as much as I did hers. Not how university was going, not my blog, not my fucked up family life and even after the talk we had, not my mental health. Is that friendship? It wasn’t even worth the worry and although I didn’t agree at the time, I understood what he meant.
Anyway, the point of that story wasn’t to shift blame. I can acknowledge that I probably hurt her too by not being there when she needed me to be there to physically support her. At the time my reasoning was that she knew about my anxiety so she should get it and I realise how selfish it was to assume that now. I should have explained myself properly. One of my many flaws include running away from a situation rather than dealing with it. I’d rather not explain myself. For some reason, I think you should already know, especially if I’ve already mentioned it.
It hurts when you think about all the happy memories you shared with someone you considered your friend disappear and you’re no longer in a good place to be able to reach out. I do however, want to put it out there that compromising your mental health and how you feel just to keep your friends happy isn’t going to do you any good. As much as you love them you have to remember that you come first, always.
And if my kids ever stumble across old pictures of me and old friends, I’d happily let them know that it was with those people that I laughed the hardest and loudest with. Nothing will ever change that.
I just hope they don’t notice how ugly I used to be cause I wouldn’t want to have to roast my own kids lol.