falling in and out of line.

Growing up I never really knew my worth.

When you’re a child your parents usually tell you how smart and beautiful you are as a way to build your self-esteem. Well I never got that and until recently I didn’t realise how important and crucial it was that I had that.
They also say that being close to your father is crucial as a young girl because it moulds future relationships with men as you grow. I also didn’t realise how important that is for a growing girl and until I started feeling things properly for the opposite sex, I didn’t really care for it.

The other week I woke up feeling drained, as usual. Checked my social media, as usual. When I opened Twitter, a strange account followed me. An account I assumed to be spam but curiosity definitely got the best of me so I went creeping. “Black Girls Are Easy”. You can imagine the shock. How dare they? They see that I am black? Are you rude? Dumb? Maybe all of the above. It didn’t stop me from checking out what they’re all about though. Maybe because I needed something to be angry at, I don’t know yet. Anyway. At this point I want to say this account and their blog changed my life. I’ve never picked up advice so quickly. It doesn’t sugarcoat anything. It was direct and honest. It changed how I look at myself, specifically how I value myself and my relationships with the opposite sex. I’ll explain.

Back in early September I met a guy. Let’s call him T *currently cracking up from the bottom of my soul*. T was cool. He was funny. He didn’t try too hard and I liked that. I like laid back most of the time. I was definitely without a doubt drawn to him after a string of conversations.
I can honestly say just having someone notice me made me happy cause when you’re as plain and boring as me nobody ever notices you, rightly.
But he did.
I probably should mention now that there’s nobody in my life that I speak to every day. Not even my parents and I live with them. No biggie, I just like being alone. I don’t like feeling attached because in my immature mind, it makes me vulnerable.
But with T it was different. We spoke everyday. If it wasn’t a phone call, it was a text or a snap. Or a tweet. Point is, I involuntarily became attached to him. And in hindsight, all it did was prove that attachment isn’t for me.
In the 5 months we were “talking”, I only met him once. I know, embarrassing. Even for me.
I kept making excuses for him. Turning red flags into yellow ones because I liked him or rather was attached to having someone consistent in my life for once. Then suddenly we’d go days without talking. Then a week or two without talking. But I’d always tell myself he was just busy, he was working, he has his own life to live. The craziest thing was although he worked in another city, he was always back in ours for the weekend. So if he really wanted to see me, he would have.

One day I really sat down and thought about what changed. What did I do? Did I say something stupid like I always do? What is it? And like a thumb and middle finger, it clicked (ba dum tsss) haha.

A few weeks prior to the change up I jokingly said “you’re not getting the box” but I said it with so much vim one could mistakenly think I was being serious. I took sex off the table to gauge his reaction. To see what it really was.

When you take sex off the table a dude will either fall in line or out of line and he definitely fell out of line. And that’s okay I’m not mad at it at all. What I am mad at though is that a part of me wanted to do something about it so he would still stick around. I think it was the loneliness.

I came to the realisation that he was trying to do the bare minimum in hopes that I would sleep with him. He didn’t care. He wasn’t interested. And I wish I knew that. I wish I had that solid relationship with my dad so I’d know the standard at which I should expect to be held instead of the trials and errors and having to learn it on my own, although grateful for the experiences. I have stories to tell my daughters. I really do.

I feel like I should have been vocal and at least tell him what it was that made me finally cut him off from his once a fortnight phone calls but I hate having to tell grown adults the laws of the pursuit.

Without sounding like a wet wipe, I want to fall in love one day. I hear it’s swell lol. But I also want it to be with the right person. Like every red blooded human, sex is almost always on the mind so I can’t fault a man for thinking about it but I am more than just sex.
Honesty is always appreciated too. If that’s what a man was after I prefer he stated that rather than pretend he’s actually interested in my life because once sex is snatched off the table his real intentions come to light and it makes him look sly.

You can either fall in line or out of line and I can’t make a man do either. I know that now.

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