This isn’t a sappy post about how I’ve finally fallen in love with someone but it IZZZ about how I’ve finally fallen in love with myself. After how long Fiona?
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’ve had a hard and brutal time battling depression and anxiety and anybody that has had to face something similar knows how it makes you feel about yourself. The hopelessness, the suicidal thoughts and the regret (whatever it is you may feel regretful for).
I spent so many nights praying that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning because facing life was just too difficult for me. I hated that I wasn’t where I was supposed to be in my career and in life, that I didn’t have friends I could truly be myself around and that nobody loved me. I can’t even find the words to describe the disappointment that washed over me when I was still alive to wake up to the sound of my 6am alarm. I used to think that if God really loved me why won’t he just take me away from this horrible place? He could take me away from the place where nobody loved me but God doesn’t answer those kind of prayers.
When I have opened up to people about how I feel and my desire to die, I’m often met with questions like “well, what has brought this on? Why do you feel like this?” Honestly, there isn’t just one reason. As time goes on maybe I’ll feel brave enough to blog the darkest of those reasons.
I have a picture of what I should be like. How I should look, act, what position in my career I should be in, if I should be in a relationship and how happy I should be. I’m nowhere near there. If my vision of where I should be in life was a 10 step staircase, then I haven’t even made it onto the first step and that is what gets to me. I see so many strong and powerful women my age that are doing great for themselves and are so happy and content and as happy as I am for them I wonder why after all my hard work and hard times I’m not as happy.
When I was a kid I was bullied. Severely. It got to the point where I tried to kill myself in school by jumping out of the window onto a gate of iron spikes until my teacher came and pulled me out of it. Nobody cared. They were just angry. My dad said “If you die I wouldn’t give a fuck, I’d just move on with MY life” I was 12.
Months I moved to new school because my family was getting bigger. I met new people that weren’t fond of black people so it was like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Anywayyy. You can imagine what that would do to a young black girl growing up. It felt like I had no family and no friends.
These are just a few of the many reasons I felt the way I did growing up. You know how you always wish you could go back to a certain year and do everything right from there? If I had to go back I would want to do it properly from 5 lol only because that’s as far back as I can remember being happy and at peace. To grow up with confidence a strong belief in myself.
The point of this post being *rolls eyes* a few weeks ago I woke up and finally decided that it’s time. Time to fall hopelessly in love with myself. I finally realised that when one can accept that they will never be perfect, and stop worrying about the small things it gives them time to appreciate the things that they do have and the qualities they DO possess. I stopped giving myself a hard time about what I couldn’t change and worked hard to achieve the things that I could and I must say, so far it’s been great. The happiness I’ve been seeking has been within me this whole time, I just had to give myself a fighting chance.
Everyone preaches self-love as if it’s dead easy to get into but it isn’t. It’s hard to learn to love yourself especially if you’ve had a difficult life and its even harder to remain positive when you make the attempt to but it’s your own race to run and you’ll get there eventually you just need to give yourself time.
Now if you asked me how proud I am of myself I would have a lot more to say. The thing I’m most proud of at the moment is the fact that I have overcome my fears and stuck with university. No more telling myself I can’t do it and no more doing the bare minimum. I’m working hard to secure internships that are related to my course, I’m finally learning how to drive lol (clutch control is a nightmare though) and I’m becoming more consistent in the lives of my friends. Slowly but surely, right?
2017 has been great so far.