intentions & expectations

“so what are your intentions?”

It’s a question that circles the mind the moment you start speaking to someone new that you’re interested in, although you don’t ask out loud you tend to do/say things that would encourage confirmation to the question from the other party.

I watched a brief snippet of a show that suggested that you shouldn’t ask the other party what you are or where exactly you’re heading to as a couple before 90 days, which is understandable for some, but why so long? Imagine taking your time and waiting that long only to find out it isn’t going anywhere and you’ve managed to waste 3 months you could have been using to do something (or someone) else. Something with more meaning.

As embarrassing as it sounds, (I’ve deleted and re-typed this particular bit a million and one times) I used to be one of those girls that never asked what a guy’s intention with me was and I think it was because I was scared of scaring them into something serious. I spent ages hoping that if I didn’t pressure him into something more serious and official, he’d realise how cool I was and want to be with me anyway. I should probably put it out there that trying to be the cool girl that doesn’t put her foot down concerning what she expects won’t get you anywhere. It sounds stupid and embarrassing because at that age (I’m 22 now), I never really knew about guys, how dating worked and how to put your foot down and keep it there.

When I was 17 I met a guy that I ended up really liking. The only guy  I’ve properly liked so far in my short life, and I thought “wow he actually likes me back. This must be it.” He was 21 at the time and I only now realise how wrong and weird he was pursuing me at that young age, because truth be told there was nothing a 17-year-old sixth form student that worked part-time in Nandos could bring to the table apart from some GCSEs. Anywayyyyyyyyyy. I asked him maybe two months in what his intentions were and what he thought this was and he told me “I just want to have fun”. 22-year-old Fiona would have heard alarm bells, flashing red lights and a booming voice screaming “abort, abort”. However, 17 year old Fiona thought that there was a way she could change him into realising that she was the girl he needed to be with. If I had one wish, we would be best friends… nah, just kidding. If I had one wish, it would be that I had someone who would have told me that he was just using me and it would all end badly. But I didn’t unfortunately and had to navigate my way out of a horrible situation with the first member of the opposite sex that pretended to take me seriously. Now that I think about it, when I was 17 I really thought I was a grown up and now I realise how much of a baby I was and how I definitely wasn’t ready for all that.

Before I take a complete left turn from the point of my post, I wanted to put it out there that asking a guy what his intentions are isn’t a bad thing especially if you’ve had your time wasted before. Nobody wants to spend time and money, cause we all know how expensive dating can really be, getting to know someone that’s just looking to have bit of fun. Not to say taking someone seriously/being in a relationship is all straight faces.

Funniest thing. In summer 2016, I went out to eat with my close friends and one of the guys that worked there slid me his phone to ask for my number. He was cute so it didn’t feel weird giving it to him. Anyway, we started talking but I was way too busy doing other things for me to give him a reasonable amount of time so communication faded and that was it. Yesterday I went back to the restaurant with another friend for lunch and the same guy (forgot he worked there) asked me for my number. You know the new phone, lost all my numbers blah blah blah story. Whatever. He captured and held my Carmex hostage and refused to give it back until I gave him my number. When he messaged me asking if I now have time for him, first thing I asked is “how do I know you’re not going to waste my time.”

I know it was a bit fast asking that sort of question but I always feel like, although intentions and expectations change, you always have an idea of what you intend to do/expect in that moment.

He said to me and I quote “I just want to chill, laugh, eat, have fun. You know, be young.”

Image result for thats cancelled joanne scammer gif
He’s closer to 30 than 20 but no judgement…
But what I can respect is the fact he was honest about what he wanted. I’m sure there are women out there that are told to just go with the flow and see how it goes only to discover a year later that it isn’t going anywhere at all. Which is the worst because you might have had a heart open enough to meet someone who is actually perfect for you.
If you are adamant that your expectations are to be taken seriously, honestly there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and you’re entitled to brushing off anyone that comes along and tries to change that. If you feel like you are much more than going with the flow then, sis, that’s perfectly OK. As women I feel like we are expected to compromise our values and beliefs to be more accommodating of others which isn’t fair.
One of the most important things I’ve learnt this year is how to love myself. Let me tell you, when you’ve spent 97% of your life depressed it is more than difficult to appreciate how great you are. Self-love is extremely important in these cases and I say that because when you have love for yourself you won’t allow yourself to be treated any less than you expect and deserve.
Never, ever, ever forget how great you are. You are beautiful, you are smart and you are great. Never forget to believe you are much more than the part-time love a man tries to give you, especially if you have voiced that you are looking for something more. Last but not least, never feel bad for wanting to know what the other person’s intentions are and never EVER feel bad for walking away if they don’t match what you are looking for.

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