(21.10.16) Edit:I’ve decided to change this post a bit. Looking back at it I realise how scary it can be to read something like this. When I wrote this at first I felt everything I had been trying so hard to ignore. The pain, hopelessness and anger. I hope that if you stumble across this post and you’ve felt this way before that you realise that you’re not alone and there are people out there, whether you know it or not, that love you and would be more than happy you opened up to them. I did that (opened up) with one of my best friends, S, I absolutely adore him, and he helped me realise you have to take life a step at a time, with a pinch of salt. He always reminds me that it is better to take life at a pace that makes you comfortable rather than at someone else’s or giving up altogether.
I really didn’t plan on writing this. To be perfectly honest, I wanted my next post to be a skincare regime but I guess I can save that for another day.
Even though nobody knows about this blog, or probably don’t even care I feel like its the safest place to come.
Everyday, something awful happens to me. Sometimes it’s things from the past and sometimes it things from that moment. I’m not a very strong person, even though I try hard to be and I make out like I am to others because I hate people see me sweat. What I’m saying is when these things happen I don’t just wish I could crawl under a rock, I really wish I could lay under 6 feet of soil, bugs and grass.
I go to bed praying and praying that I won’t wake up the next day. But God doesn’t answer those kind of prayers.
I pray for peace of mind and happiness. But it seems like God doesn’t answer those kind of prayers either. Or maybe He just doesn’t answer mine.
What brought this on? I spent ages trying to filter out people that were bad for me. Because I hate being hurt and I hate feeling bad about myself. Obviously, the filtering process was complete and utter shite cause the rot still got in. This year I found myself trusting people and letting new people around me and tonight I just discovered how much of an idiot I am. Life.
I know it happens to everyone, but it doesn’t happen their whole life.
This isn’t a sob story and I’m not looking for sympathy, like I said before, I just consider this a public diary.
I have this thing where I tell myself I don’t want to see 30 because I don’t think life really holds anything great for me. but who knows cause God doesn’t answer those kind of prayers.